I’m sure we have all heard the song by Peggy Lee “is that all there is”.
A song where the singer talks about dramatic events in her life and once experienced she asks “is that all there is?”
I’m bothered lately. I watched my grandfather, my close friend die over the course of 2 months. He was in pain, uncomfortable and miserable. Together we watched his old, weak body give out and, in my honest opinion, before he was ready to be done with it.
If I can be totally honest it hasn’t consumed me all that much. Numbness, denial and just blocking it out has been my ritual. Thinking about it brings more questions, concerns and doubts that bother me to my core.
I haven’t written, thought, discussed, debated or dialoged lately. I’ve just been going through the motions of life with the backdrop of “is this all there is?”
My mind races with thoughts and I let them leave me just as quickly as they come. I’m not about to say something drastic that “I’m depressed” or any of that nonsense. I think what’s happening to me is that I’ve been apart of something very drastic, very serious and very close to home and I haven’t the foggiest idea how to deal with it. I’ve never experienced anything like it and I feel by being forced through it has provided me with some sort of secret knowledge that one can only acquire through an experience I just endured.
I’ve been observing people lately. Older people primarily and I find myself listening. I did this a lot with my Granddad as he had lived an entire life and I had much to learn.
There is a common theme to older people that haunts me as I listen; its regret. As a youth interacting with older people you hear it so much and yet you can’t identify with it. I’m too young to have real regret I suppose. There aren’t too many things I do that time and ambition can’t resolve. But that’s the thing about older people, time isn’t on there side and regret is its byproduct.
With my Granddads departure it has presented me with some daunting realities; an obvious one that never really resonated until now. It’s that I am mortal. I will become old someday, have limitations, lack time, have regret and I will die.
This word regret is consuming me. Do I regret anything? Are there things I am doing now that when I look back 50 years will say “I should have done that differently” and if so, why am I not picking up on and changing those events now?
At some point you are forced to deal with the issue of death. Either through a near experience personally or a near experience where you lose someone you have vested time with.
The issue with death is there is no going back from the knowledge you acquire. You’re forced to ask yourself some serious questions and I am struggling with those right now.
Further more, I feel it alone. It’s not that others around me haven’t experienced death but its these questions I ask are not questions that can be answered. I have always thought a certain way and now…. I don’t. These doubts, these regrets are swirling in my head, making me re-think every step, every friendship, every Endeavour. What do they all mean, does it even matter?
My Granddad is gone and it appears everything his life was lives within mine and others memories. He spent his entire life going on about his business, having worries, regrets, fears, accomplishments and for what? He’s gone now so does he rest easy now that he’s crossed the finish line and people will recall him as a good man? Is that all there is? Your own on goings and then when your gone, peoples perception.
I’m very frustrated.