Most guys know about the nice guy paradox. It’s where they’ve been told since they were young — both by women and by society in general — that women like “nice” guys. So why is it I have so many friends confess to me and say “I was being nice and she wasn’t having it.” It is something that has always made my head spin.

Losing as the “nice guy” bothers men, A lot. Why would women claim to want someone who will treat them nice, but then repeatedly turn down or mistreat those that give them exactly what they want? Well… I have observed and I have tested by being both the nice guy and the jerk. My conclusion is that women like when guys are nice to them, but only when they don’t have to be.

Think about that for a minute (and re-read my statement). Most guys who exclusively use the “nice” approach are doormats, and many are so because that’s all they can be. They lack the attributes to attract a woman based on pure gravity. Gravitational pulls would be things like physical size/strength/prowess, ambition, sexuality, intelligence, money, etc.. As a result of not having these “pulls,” these guys are essentially forced to grovel to attract a mate, which is clearly unattractive.

Quite simply, women like powerful men to be nice to them, not feminized boys. A weak man being nice to a woman is essentially an act of submission, like if a beggar tipped his hat and called you sir. Sure, the homeless guy was respectful to you but they just asked you for money two seconds prior so it’s not as meaningful as if it came from a peer, superior or person in power.

Not a powerful man? I would say the first step in becoming one being ok with rejection. If being rejected doesn’t faze a man, he can be his own man, be confident in himself and then he can wait for the right woman to come along. The only problem with this though is that the way society defines the confident/powerful male these days is by being a total asshole. A confident male is seen as one that goes to the bar to pick up and is told that one night stands are an act of “confidence.”

My advice to guys is “don’t buy into the stereotypical confident man crap.” If you want to approach a woman, do so in a section of interest like at a book store, coffee house; take a class of some sort (art, athletic, music), volunteer your time (that’s probably bonus points), etc. Being confident isn’t about standing out at the bar. Chances are, most women can see through that and if you do snag a lady at the bar – she probably isn’t date material.