Recently my Grandfather has fallen ill – very ill.
3 hearts attacks in the last month, his heart is failing him daily.

After a very unstable stay at the hospital he has been sent home with the hope of recovery of getting comfortable to be at final rest.
This pains me very much. My Grandfather is one of my best friends. I don’t just see him as a relative. He is someone whom has spoken a great deal into my life.
Weekly drinks at Paddies with our reserved seats and yearly vacations to Europe; our conversations have made me rather worldly.

That was then and statistically speaking my better days with him have come to a close. When he was looking his worst we had “the talk.” If you have ever dealt with someone who is on their death bed you know what I mean. It was very intimate. He and I communicated honestly and freely – we said our good byes. We cried deeply about him not being at my wedding, meeting my wife and holding my children. He said he wished that I was 20 years older or better yet, that he was 20 years younger.

It’s tough watching a man who has lived a full life still capable of living an even fuller one. It pains me more when you watch so many people just wasting away their youth.

My Grandfather requires 24 hour attention and I will do my part with the rest of my family to be there, assist and care for. However as I do this, the thoughts of it not being fair or “if only we had more time” wont be present. Granddad and I have had an amazing run together. What I have experienced with him trumps many people’s experiences with their own relatives. He and I have said our good byes.

When he and I catch each others eye from across the room we know what both of us are thinking. He has told me for years that this “way” of life is not for him. He dreads it and now he is dealing minute by minute with it. It’s hard for me to watch him because in his mind I know he is locked down, trapped and tormented.

Even with a “full” recovery things won’t return to way he wanted to live. My Granddad is very active. Daily he works out, walks the dog, swims and plans vacations over seas. He keeps sharp by studying language (he has learned 3 in the last 10 years), reading countless books and learning the ways of the internet and email to keep in touch with people from around the globe.

I miss that person. From what is occurring now I feel so disconnected. I don’t like seeing it just as much as he doesn’t like being it. Even though I am putting on a strong face I don’t like my time with it all. This isn’t the man or the time I want to remember. I remember someone much different. Is that horrible? I am trying to see the positives of it all however if I am being honest with myself I must admit that I would wish him a quick, peaceful passing over a drawn out, flat lining, uncomfortable last few months.
Part of it is selfish and part of it is me knowing his real wishes. In the mean time I will pray, fast, reflect and sit by my Grandfathers side.